Reporting Live from Rock Bottom

As some of you may know, I lost my job the other week.

What had already been a trying few months for me during the holidays has turned into a living nightmare. To say I feel like I’m at rock bottom would be the understatement of the year. My career, my health and my finances have all crumbled and turned to dust in my hands.

My mental health has been shaky at best for the last 6 months, and now that everything has come crashing down I feel like there’s nothing left of me. The energy I would usually use to get to work, do my job, be social, be a wife and have a life is now all being used to push myself from the bed to the couch and back again. There’s nothing left to do anything else. I’m not eating or sleeping right and I haven’t felt genuine happiness in weeks. I am, to put it plainly, exhausted.

Having a mental illness and going through difficulties is terrifying. Sure, everyone hits rock bottom a few times in life, but when you’ve got a mental illness you’re also being chased by a dangerous monster whose been waiting in the darkness for this moment for a long time. It’s been waiting for you to fall so it can pull you up from the mud by your hair, lick at the cuts on your face, smirk at your tears and whisper to you – “I told you so” before dropping you back into the dirt again.

And that’s exactly where I feel like I am now, hovering on a dangerous line that I’m too numb to fully grasp the gravity of. I’ve been running on less than empty for the last week or so, staring blankly at the TV for hours and hours trying desperately to ignore the monster sitting next to me on the couch.

Perhaps the biggest thing of all is my relapse. I haven’t fully processed it yet and I’m terrified for when I do. Right now I have to put my hope in every hour it doesn’t happen again.

My family and friends have been amazing. The support has been almost overwhelming but I still can’t help but feel incredibly alone (which brings its own weight of guilt). I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, contacted all the right people and booked all the right appointments, but still I find myself lost. I don’t know whether the world is spinning or everything has stopped – because it feels like both and neither are happening.

At the moment, the fact that I’ve put on clothes and brushed my teeth and put some dirty laundry in a bag makes this the most productive day I’ve had in almost 2 weeks.

I’m just holding on with everything I have.

Swings & Roundabouts: Mood Tracker Review

After a pretty horrific time at the end of last year where I was completely out of control of my mood swings for reasons unknown, I decided to give mood trackers a try. I’ve seen them around the community and always thought they’d be useful to someone like me, but it wasn’t until I had a complete breakdown that I decided it was actually worth a try.

I wanted to see if there were any patterns that weren’t overly obvious to me, and just how my ‘normal’ weekly moods looked. One of the first things you’re asked about when you start therapy or even just go to a GP for the first steps is how you’re feeling – and often when someone asks us that our minds immediately shrug and switch off.

To try and better understand my moods I tested out two different mood trackers – the first was the popular Daylio and the second Mind’s own creation. I spent a week on each tracking my moods as they changed throughout the day. Here’s what I thought of them both…

Continue reading “Swings & Roundabouts: Mood Tracker Review”