One Today!

Can you believe it?

Cross Words Not Wires is one today!

One whole year ☝🏻

🎊🎊🎊

It’s been such an eventful year for me in every way, and this blog has been one of the most amazing things I’ve ever done.

It’s been such an incredible journey so far and has helped me immensely.

The fact that people have told me my work has helped them in some way is just mind blowing and means more than anything to me.

I look forward to the future of this blog and promise to pull my all into it for as long as it continues to help people.

Thank you so much to everyone for their support, especially my family, friends and incredible wife💙

BPD AWARENESS MONTH

MAY IS BPD AWARENESS MONTH

All of mental illnesses have stigma attached to them, but my personal experience is with my personality disorder.

The word ‘personality’ immediately puts people on the back foot as they conjure up exaggerated images from the media.

But here is the truth…

People with borderline personality disorder are fighters.

We survive everyday as we are overrun with unwanted emotions and thoughts.

We battle to find a sense of identity and hold on to it at all costs.

We are loyal and loving and feel any hurt we cause tenfold.

We’re not manipulative, dangerous or dramatic – we are simply misunderstood.

We are entitled to help, patience, understanding and recovery.

We are deserving, and those who stick around long enough to find that out are repayed with a love like no other.

I will continue to fight for mine and everyone else’s right to be heard, helped and not judged – this and every other month 💙

Surviving Smother’s Day When You Don’t Have A Mother

Like any holiday on the calendar, if you’re not a fan of it you’ll still more than likely have to deal with it being shoved in your face in every way possible. Mother’s Day is no different…

Whether you’ve lost your mother, have a troubling relationship or no relationship at all, Mother’s Day can be triggering as hell. I know it is for me. I lost my mother to her mental health 6 years ago and every year seeing the countless adverts and messages of how special mothers are is like a knife in the heart every time.

Over the years I’ve learned one or two things to help. Nothing will ever truly take the pain away, whatever’s happened, but here’s a tip or two to a) help you along the way and b) let you know you’re not alone.

Continue reading “Surviving Smother’s Day When You Don’t Have A Mother”

Reporting Live from Rock Bottom

As some of you may know, I lost my job the other week.

What had already been a trying few months for me during the holidays has turned into a living nightmare. To say I feel like I’m at rock bottom would be the understatement of the year. My career, my health and my finances have all crumbled and turned to dust in my hands.

My mental health has been shaky at best for the last 6 months, and now that everything has come crashing down I feel like there’s nothing left of me. The energy I would usually use to get to work, do my job, be social, be a wife and have a life is now all being used to push myself from the bed to the couch and back again. There’s nothing left to do anything else. I’m not eating or sleeping right and I haven’t felt genuine happiness in weeks. I am, to put it plainly, exhausted.

Having a mental illness and going through difficulties is terrifying. Sure, everyone hits rock bottom a few times in life, but when you’ve got a mental illness you’re also being chased by a dangerous monster whose been waiting in the darkness for this moment for a long time. It’s been waiting for you to fall so it can pull you up from the mud by your hair, lick at the cuts on your face, smirk at your tears and whisper to you – “I told you so” before dropping you back into the dirt again.

And that’s exactly where I feel like I am now, hovering on a dangerous line that I’m too numb to fully grasp the gravity of. I’ve been running on less than empty for the last week or so, staring blankly at the TV for hours and hours trying desperately to ignore the monster sitting next to me on the couch.

Perhaps the biggest thing of all is my relapse. I haven’t fully processed it yet and I’m terrified for when I do. Right now I have to put my hope in every hour it doesn’t happen again.

My family and friends have been amazing. The support has been almost overwhelming but I still can’t help but feel incredibly alone (which brings its own weight of guilt). I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, contacted all the right people and booked all the right appointments, but still I find myself lost. I don’t know whether the world is spinning or everything has stopped – because it feels like both and neither are happening.

At the moment, the fact that I’ve put on clothes and brushed my teeth and put some dirty laundry in a bag makes this the most productive day I’ve had in almost 2 weeks.

I’m just holding on with everything I have.