I’ve struggled with my weight for most of my life. From as early as nine I can remember looking at the differences between me and slim girls and equating it to self worth.
In high school as my mental health issues began to surface, my body image was at an all time low. I put myself on constant diets, learned how to tell good jokes, and let boys treat me like crap because I thought that’s the best I was ever going to do. I can’t even fully articulate the kinds of horrible people I let into my life just because I was happy to have some attention I thought was only reserved for skinny girls. Even as I got together with my now wife, I feared I’d be left for someone better looking.
In 2017 I hit an all time low – complete and utter rock bottom. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to get back up again.
Starting from scratch and having to rebuild myself made me focus on everything on the inside. I had to face my mental illness, I had to love myself enough to know that I deserved recovery. I deserved to be better and to be happy. The more I worked on that notion, the more I began to discover that I was actually pretty okay with being bigger. I actually loved my curves and rolls and my big fat ass – it was everyone else that had given me the issue.
Years ago I’d spend so much money on weight loss programmes and obsess over every little thing I ate. I’d work out four times a week, swim, walk everywhere and do anything to hit my Fitbit step goals. And no matter how much weight I lost, I was still a big girl with mental health issues. I’d been fed so much bullshit about how much happier I’d be eating strictly and getting as much exercise as possible, it actually stopped me putting all of my focus where it really needed to be – in my head.
Now that I’m doing just that, working hard to live with my mental illness and pull myself back from the ledge where I almost lost it all, my relationship with my body is so different. My body has changed, and I’m okay with that. It’ll probably change again, that’s what bodies do. My body is amazing. It’s done so many things and carried me through so many difficult times. It’s been my home, my safe house, my everything – and I don’t care what size knickers it wears. I love it.
P.S. the awesome underwear set I’m wearing in my banner is from the amazing Wilde Mode and you can get 20% off your order with my code CrossWords!